probative's blog

i will be fair.

and let him end things. 

even if i don't really want this casual thing to end. i will be fair. 

he'll end it. 

oh ho ho

i'm losing everything.

i'm losing everything.

everyone.

i don't feel safe,

i don't feel love, 

i want to be held

and i want to be helped

 

but no no no

 

no arms around me

no souls beside me.

 

no one here but illusions. 

pack it up and go.

Quit this job. go back to school full time. get used to being dirt-poor again. marry the books. hide under the sheets. try to support myself. start crying every night again. start getting used to being alone again. it's better than this. better than anything this industry can offer me. 

I've never worked a day in my life, but I'm still miserable. 

I love everything I do, but I'm still unhappy. 

I want a masters degree that takes me nowhere. 8 years of schooling, with nothing to show for it. I want to be in debt, single, and tip-toeing across a skyscraper's edge. I want to be selfish. 

How the IT Guy and Real Estate Girl break-up would pass:

You'd ask me; "Hey, I've been looking for a new place lately! Could you help me out?" 

Then I'd say; "Sure! But hey, my computer has been acting a little funny lately... could you take a look at it?" 

 

After 20 seconds of silence, we'd simply pay for our respective bills. I'd walk out of the restaurant, while you head to the bathroom.  

 

-fin-

 

Best break-up ever. 

do i miss you?

yeah. just had a conversation with my bro about this whole mess. i'm sick of hiding it. but i can't remember feeling this normal. i can't remember being this sane. 

i want to be more normal. whatever it is, i want it. i feel like i'm getting a little closer to that when i'm with you. i'm aloof, in control. i do what i want. and what i want is you. i don't feel as guilty as i should. everything is beginning to come to me a bit more naturally. being social, complimenting people. i'm able to act more like a human, able to feel more like a human. it's as if connecting with you is the same as connecting with humankind. 

i don't hate myself as much.

there's no room for those thoughts when you're around. no room for all the crazy. like i can just forget.

and when i'm confronted with those thoughts again, they don't hurt as much. 

i'm... so much stronger now. 

you give me that. strength. 

i like worrying about you. i like kissing you. i like keeping you at a distance. it feels wonderful, not being in a controlling relationship for once.

you don't guilt me into anything. 

you don't make me do what i don't want to do. 

and you have the cutest snore ever. 

xD

 

i wish you'd left on a wednesday evening

cause then we'd still be in bed

just crawling out of the sheets

and looking through the fridge for something to eat. 

you smell like hand sanitizer. purell, to be specific. i kinda like it.

oh-ren-ji.

really glad that i got to spend the day with him. kinda sad how neither of us know just how long we've been dating. but, eh. how long has it been anyway? 

learned something new about myself. 

i'm the jealous type. and it fucking sucks. 

i liked hanging out with him.  kinda wanted to be a bit more lazy, but it couldn't be helped. 

-

anyways, gonna rest up. maybe i'll get together with him later on today. 

and amidst all this fear

i want you to hold me

and say that i'll be fine. 

that i'm just overreacting [again]

and to just wait a few days for it to go away. 

 

but we're not like that at all. 

the most i get is a text saying "verdict?"

because you didn't get laid last time

because i was too "sore" last time. 

 

if it's that important to you;

then i think that we should stop seeing each other. 

i've been wanting something else for quite some time now, 

and i'm sure that you've felt it by now. 

 

it's completely okay by me. 

i've done this before. 

i've been left alone, 

because i just couldn't put out. 

whether it was medical or very, very emotional

they left

i'm used to it. 

 

i'm used to wanting more

i'm used to needing someone who...

really wants what's best for me

because i want what's best for them. 

 

and amidst all of this fear

i find that it's true that...

"my love's too big for you my love".  

i can't bring myself to finish up my work
cause it's your day off
and you're sitting home alone
probably bored bored bored.